So honestly I don't care about the fancy font of the color text. I will worry about it later right now i am more worried about writing down my 'Hell Day.' Math 97 was a snore of a class. I hardly paid attention as i focused on my story. It's almost been a whole year since starting my novel. I feel so accomplished and yet not where i want to be quiet yet. Four more chapters then i will be finished that will be about a little more than 80 thousand words. Then i will start revisions by rereading it adding adjustments followed by checking if the story flows well together.
It's 9:45pm and i am kind of sad. The day started off fine enough with finding a text from my boyfriend victor saying he might have good news. That for con i might be able to stay at his house because his family isn't home then it just got worse. We talked a little on the shuddle bus to class he seemed so happy though he is feeling sick with fever, stomach pain and throbbing head. We just started going out March 15th,2011. i can truthfully said hes the first person i have ever loved. Not that i haven't had someone before him because i had. But my ex can't compare with my boyfriend now. He is truly one of a kind. I hope he keeps me around. He makes me so happy i want to cry. Sometimes i am really afraid it's too good to be true and i will lose him. Every moment i see him i ache to pull him near and tell him how every moment hurt with out his smile and words. That everyday he bring sunshine into my life. The thing i look forward to the most is when i get to see him again. That if i could every pay check i would by him a star till they were all named after him.
The problem came after class at home. We were texting and i was telling him how fired up that i not only want to be on the New Yorks best sellers list but to also be on the International best sellers list. How i scored on the last writers contest i entered. Then he started to get down on his self. 'Saying how i deserve better,' and 'how i should leave him and let him rot.' Also he said, 'I am fat, lazy and stupid.' Which broke my heart more than i rather want to say. It was almost like he was telling me i was too good for him and all i want to do is be by him. He makes me so happy. He's brilliant, good at martial arts, and has traveled the world a bit. And none of those are spins on the truth. He's only 21 and he already has his Associates in arts and was working on his bachelors. I am 23 and i am just about to finish my Associates in Art. I see he's capable of so much more. When i first meet him before i feel in love with him. I admired him because he was smart, and had one hell of a character. From there i only fell in love with him. So here i was trying to convince him all those bad things aren't true. He just stopped talking to me. I mean i know logic doesn't work well against emotions but i still had to try i didn't want him to be in pain. After work he said he still felt sick and i said a few things and then he said 'it was valid.' For him to say i don't deserve him. So he stopped texting me about 9:20 so here i am spilling my guts cause i feel kind of hurt and want to weep because the pain i feel so deeply because i can't even ease his sorrow at least a little to my best attempt. I hope one day i can let him read this journal if we last longer. At work all i did was talk about him because i love him. We've been going out for almost four weeks now.
I wish i could let him understand how much i love him. I accepted him for himself and yet i can't bare to see him sad. I feel my own heart ache with such intensity i want to rip it out.
- Hell Day